Darren,
After reading your proposal, I’ve been looking forward to seeing the later passes of your story develop. I am also fascinated with watching human interaction… ever just sat and watched people in an airport?
I really liked the first pass of the story. The two characters, Mike and Tom, are well developed and it’s clear how it took time for their relationship to develop. It seems that it’s one of those friendships that requires a time, place, and focus to continue growing. Your writing is clear and concise. I like how first you focus on Tom, and then bring Mike into the picture and explain each of their backgrounds before moving into their relationship itself. I’m a little confused at the end… Who has to have chemo? First I thought it would be Tom, but then the mention of Mike wincing in pain made me think it must be him. I like the end of the story with the men realizing Mike made a perfect shot.
In your second pass, I really like the background of the page being the greenery. Some of the images are really helpful, but some of them I feel don’t quite show the story as clearly. For example, with the focus on this relationship, I’d really like to see a picture of the two men together. And at the end, although I understand that the image is meant to explain that Mike makes the shot, it’s really not as clear, and is a place where the extra words were necessary to the story, I felt.
As you work on the next couple of passes, think about really showing us the relationship itself.. show the relationship in images, in voices… the golf is really the secondary thing I think. Hopefully you can use some sound effects for the golf sounds…make us feel like we’re on the course, hearing those birds in the trees, hearing the swoosh and tinks from the golfers, hearing that lawn mower in the background.
I think this is a terrific story and look foward to seeing what you do next with it.
Marisa
Your story grasped me emotionally. I sincerely believe that life alone after living so many years with your spouse must be saddening to some degree, as it was for Tom. Your descriptions of Tom L. leave me with a pretty good picture of whom he is. Your portrayal of Mike, though less developed, is sufficient enough to make these two characters’ relationship come to life and tell their story. Good work!
As for improvements, I’m thinking that your incorporation of images could be more carefully orchestrated. What I mean by this is that the present images do not necessarily have an emotional appeal, as does your writing. Instead, they are just reinforcing obvious knowledge that the reader gains by reading. Consider using images with the sole purpose of causing an effect on the reader. The one image regarding chemo was quite misleading: Was it Tom’s arm in the picture? – I though Tom was older and Caucasian.
My humble advice is to seek an entirely new set of images that present the emotional side of the story. Close ups of facials expressions, symbolism through nature or other creative uses of provocative pictures are some examples of potential image types that might aid your story’s effect on the reader.
This was a very touching story. I can certainly relate to it because I had a similar experience with my grandfather. I think your story may be enhanced by more pictures of the assisted living facility where Tom lived. I remember visiting my grandfather the first time at the facility where he lived and I was really shocked by the sight, sounds, and smells of this place. I think it would enhance your story if you added this detail.
I would also add a bit more dialog between the two characters. Fore example, some inter dialogue on how Mike felt about Tom and what type of relationship they had. Also, how does Mike deal with the therapist-patient relationship? In what way is Mike affected by it. What did Mike learn from Tom?
For Pass 3, I think you can add some audio that depicts the sounds of the golf-course (i.e. birds chirping, club swings, etc.) and those of the assisted living facility. I think voice over of the dialog may be appropriate.
I look forward to your Pass 4. I am interested to see how you will tackle the interactivity piece.
It’s a good story. I know this because I want to know who is undergoing the chemotherapy. You sucked me in.
I do think you need a transition between the first two paragraphs where you introduce Tom and then show the reader how Tom got to where he is now. It is a little disjointed right now. I also get this feeling when you switch between the two characters points of view. Maybe if you used an image of Tom and his wife and then an image of Mike when you switch perspectives it may help to signal to the reader that the perspective has changed. A different font face may help as well. Like bolding and making the M in Mike larger in font size. Another thing that you could try is using a couple of well placed headings.
I am looking forward to seeing how you incorporate audio and video into your next story pass.
I still remember how nicely you have described the game mechanics in our group project of “Game Design” with 2c. As usual, you have been very creative in writing the story. This is a very stirring story and the background for the pass-2 suits very well with the golf site.
For Pass 4: From the weather website we can forecast for a sunny day. So, you may think of inserting the links to the weather website describing the current weather and also forecast for upcoming days. Based on the weather conditions, you can simply manipulate the links if it’s suitable to play golf.
This is a heart warming story. However, in the reduction from pass 1 to pass 2 some of the relationship built between Tom & Mike is lost. I don’t feel their bond as much in pass 2 as I did in pass 1. I think putting the scene where they discuss golf and the perfect swing back in the story would help to develop their bond more. Also, maybe more on Tom’s inner conflict and resistance to opening up to anyone might help. I’d also like to see more pictures. I know sometimes less is more but in this case I think a few more pictures would help. I don’t feel the characters’ bond or feel the conflict in any of the pictures. The pictures almost seem instructional (for golf) rather than adding a lot to the story. If you could find a sepia tone picture of a man to represent Tom’s father and Bobby Jones on the course would add to the nostalgia. Or how about an old picture of Tom and his wife as a reminder of what he has lost.
For pass 3 some really old looking footage of men playing golf to highlight the sights and sounds of a course as well as the camaraderie that is experienced on the course would give people like myself who have not spent a lot of time on a real golf course (putt-putt doesn’t count) a feeling of the golf experience. And of course a sound byte of the Swoosh-tink would be great!
For pass 4, (this may be too much to ask for) an interactive game from the tee box where we get to try to make a hole in one, would be fun.
Darren,
After reading your proposal, I’ve been looking forward to seeing the later passes of your story develop. I am also fascinated with watching human interaction… ever just sat and watched people in an airport?
I really liked the first pass of the story. The two characters, Mike and Tom, are well developed and it’s clear how it took time for their relationship to develop. It seems that it’s one of those friendships that requires a time, place, and focus to continue growing. Your writing is clear and concise. I like how first you focus on Tom, and then bring Mike into the picture and explain each of their backgrounds before moving into their relationship itself. I’m a little confused at the end… Who has to have chemo? First I thought it would be Tom, but then the mention of Mike wincing in pain made me think it must be him. I like the end of the story with the men realizing Mike made a perfect shot.
In your second pass, I really like the background of the page being the greenery. Some of the images are really helpful, but some of them I feel don’t quite show the story as clearly. For example, with the focus on this relationship, I’d really like to see a picture of the two men together. And at the end, although I understand that the image is meant to explain that Mike makes the shot, it’s really not as clear, and is a place where the extra words were necessary to the story, I felt.
As you work on the next couple of passes, think about really showing us the relationship itself.. show the relationship in images, in voices… the golf is really the secondary thing I think. Hopefully you can use some sound effects for the golf sounds…make us feel like we’re on the course, hearing those birds in the trees, hearing the swoosh and tinks from the golfers, hearing that lawn mower in the background.
I think this is a terrific story and look foward to seeing what you do next with it.
Marisa
Darren’s “The Last Round”
Hi Darren,
Your story grasped me emotionally. I sincerely believe that life alone after living so many years with your spouse must be saddening to some degree, as it was for Tom. Your descriptions of Tom L. leave me with a pretty good picture of whom he is. Your portrayal of Mike, though less developed, is sufficient enough to make these two characters’ relationship come to life and tell their story. Good work!
As for improvements, I’m thinking that your incorporation of images could be more carefully orchestrated. What I mean by this is that the present images do not necessarily have an emotional appeal, as does your writing. Instead, they are just reinforcing obvious knowledge that the reader gains by reading. Consider using images with the sole purpose of causing an effect on the reader. The one image regarding chemo was quite misleading: Was it Tom’s arm in the picture? – I though Tom was older and Caucasian.
My humble advice is to seek an entirely new set of images that present the emotional side of the story. Close ups of facials expressions, symbolism through nature or other creative uses of provocative pictures are some examples of potential image types that might aid your story’s effect on the reader.
Marc Love
This was a very touching story. I can certainly relate to it because I had a similar experience with my grandfather. I think your story may be enhanced by more pictures of the assisted living facility where Tom lived. I remember visiting my grandfather the first time at the facility where he lived and I was really shocked by the sight, sounds, and smells of this place. I think it would enhance your story if you added this detail.
I would also add a bit more dialog between the two characters. Fore example, some inter dialogue on how Mike felt about Tom and what type of relationship they had. Also, how does Mike deal with the therapist-patient relationship? In what way is Mike affected by it. What did Mike learn from Tom?
For Pass 3, I think you can add some audio that depicts the sounds of the golf-course (i.e. birds chirping, club swings, etc.) and those of the assisted living facility. I think voice over of the dialog may be appropriate.
I look forward to your Pass 4. I am interested to see how you will tackle the interactivity piece.
Good luck!
It’s a good story. I know this because I want to know who is undergoing the chemotherapy. You sucked me in.
I do think you need a transition between the first two paragraphs where you introduce Tom and then show the reader how Tom got to where he is now. It is a little disjointed right now. I also get this feeling when you switch between the two characters points of view. Maybe if you used an image of Tom and his wife and then an image of Mike when you switch perspectives it may help to signal to the reader that the perspective has changed. A different font face may help as well. Like bolding and making the M in Mike larger in font size. Another thing that you could try is using a couple of well placed headings.
I am looking forward to seeing how you incorporate audio and video into your next story pass.
Best,
Melissa
Hi Derran,
I still remember how nicely you have described the game mechanics in our group project of “Game Design” with 2c. As usual, you have been very creative in writing the story. This is a very stirring story and the background for the pass-2 suits very well with the golf site.
For Pass 4: From the weather website we can forecast for a sunny day. So, you may think of inserting the links to the weather website describing the current weather and also forecast for upcoming days. Based on the weather conditions, you can simply manipulate the links if it’s suitable to play golf.
Alpesh
Darren,
This is a heart warming story. However, in the reduction from pass 1 to pass 2 some of the relationship built between Tom & Mike is lost. I don’t feel their bond as much in pass 2 as I did in pass 1. I think putting the scene where they discuss golf and the perfect swing back in the story would help to develop their bond more. Also, maybe more on Tom’s inner conflict and resistance to opening up to anyone might help. I’d also like to see more pictures. I know sometimes less is more but in this case I think a few more pictures would help. I don’t feel the characters’ bond or feel the conflict in any of the pictures. The pictures almost seem instructional (for golf) rather than adding a lot to the story. If you could find a sepia tone picture of a man to represent Tom’s father and Bobby Jones on the course would add to the nostalgia. Or how about an old picture of Tom and his wife as a reminder of what he has lost.
For pass 3 some really old looking footage of men playing golf to highlight the sights and sounds of a course as well as the camaraderie that is experienced on the course would give people like myself who have not spent a lot of time on a real golf course (putt-putt doesn’t count) a feeling of the golf experience. And of course a sound byte of the Swoosh-tink would be great!
For pass 4, (this may be too much to ask for) an interactive game from the tee box where we get to try to make a hole in one, would be fun.
Look forward to seeing what you do in pass 3 & 4.